Reflect

This teacher confessed that she found this emerging trend extremely alarming, but that her concerns were often met with dismissive attempts to educate her about how choking was a normal part of sex. She was made to feel 'old fashioned' and was accused by some students of 'kink-shaming' (when someone makes fun of or judges another person for their sexual interests or preferences, especially if those interests fall outside what’s considered 'mainstream'). She was aghast, worried, perplexed.

One minute, she said, she was creating lesson plans on 'the birds and the bees' for tweens and consent within loving relationships, and the next minute was having pastoral conversations on the pros and cons of throttling someone for the thrill of it. This is not an isolated incident. A BBC news article from 2024 outlined one teacher’s report of boys as young as 14 asking how to safely choke girls during sex in RSHE lessons.

I am not here to judge or comment on adults’ behaviour and I appreciate that a small proportion of sixth formers will be over 18, but it is my job to raise parental awareness on all matters that are easier to sweep under the carpet and that might affect the preparedness of our children for what could lie ahead. The research that I have done on this area, I have done for all Wednesday Wisdom readers, and I hope that, despite how disturbing this topic might feel, we can understand bigger contexts before our teens do, or at least alongside them. In this way, we can consider any proactive action that may be required.

So, what does sexual choking entail? Professor Hannah Bows (Centre for Research into Violence and Abuse, Durham University) explains: “It is an informal label for strangulation and involves the grabbing, holding or compression of another’s neck either by hands, or limb, or by use of a prop or weapon, and typically involves restriction of blood or air flow. When it is used as part of a sexual encounter, it is frequently referred to as ‘erotic asphyxiation’ or ‘breath play’.”

Research is showing that it is becoming increasingly common amongst younger age groups. According to a survey by the British Institute for Addressing Strangulation, 35% of respondents (aged 16-35) report they have been choked by a partner during consensual sex. Half of the sample who had experienced it said they had agreed to it, but 17% said they hadn't. Turns out the 17% may not be outliers. The 2021 UK study by Savanta ComRes (on behalf of BBC Radio 5 Live) surveyed women aged 18-39 and found that 38% of women under 40 had been choked, slapped, or spat on during sex when they weren’t expecting it, and 42% said it happened without consent.

There are cases of young women who have tragically died from strangulation during sex where the perpetrator tried to argue the death had occurred accidentally, as part of consensual activities. The horrific murder of backpacker Grace Milane brought this point painfully home. In 2022, England and Wales introduced a new offence of non-fatal strangulation, and in 2023, Northern Ireland followed. That is at least something. So, what if anything should we be doing, changing or addressing in our parenting now that we are in possession of this information?

Motivate

This doesn’t mean we don’t try talking to them about it. We have good reason to ensure our older teens are equipped with knowledge and tools to navigate any potentially challenging intimate experiences as they grow and develop. It’s important to have dialogues like this before teens leave home.

A casual, opener conversation with an older teen (perhaps 16+) about something you have read in the paper is sufficient as a toe-dipping exercise. You might say something such as: “I have heard about some very worrying practices that young people might get involved in when they start having sex. It made me feel concerned” or “Have you ever seen anything on social media about so-called ‘rough sex’? What does that mean?”. Yes, I know, none of us wants to “suggest” ideas to young people, but I am afraid in the age of digital media, we are very likely to be stepping into a topic arena where they have some pre-existing knowledge. Don’t be alarmed if your teens don’t seem surprised. Don’t express shock that they think rough sex is ‘normal’. Stay calm.

I told my teen boys (16 and 18) that I was writing about the topic of ‘choking’ and it led to a conversation about how sometimes people can experience peer pressure in relationships, which isn’t fair or right. It might even feel scary for either party. We talked about the origin of such behaviour and discussed how it becomes normalised. We agreed that it was mainly through pornography where it is ‘rife’, through everyday films available on Netflix (Fifty Shades of Grey being an easy example) and of course, via social media. In 2020, The Times found hundreds of images of sexualised choking and strangulation on Pinterest, Instagram and Tumblr.

The conversation with my boys also explored ‘choking challenges’ on TikTok. Yes, the ‘Blackout Challenge’ has been doing the rounds for some time on social media (since 2008, I believe), encouraging younger children to seek out the euphoric highs of self-strangulation. As you might imagine this dreadful ‘challenge’ has caused children to lose their lives in multiple countries. There are many legal suits underway by devastated parents. Just two months ago, parents of Isaac Kenevan (13), Archie Battersbee (12), Julian Sweeney (14) and Maia Walsh (13) filed a wrongful death lawsuit against TikTok and its parent company. It remains to be seen if large companies will be held to account for the aggressive and toxic algorithms that are placing life-threatening ideas in front of impressionable children. Here’s hoping.

Support

Rough estimates suggest that about 10% of American teenagers may have played this type of game at least once. That gives us all an idea of the scale of this problem and the risk inherent in not talking about it. It is always better to strike pre-emptively and to address topics head on.

Relying on parental controls is broadly ineffective. Most tweens and certainly teens can overcome any digital stair gate. Perhaps the controls are in place at your house, but what about their friend’s house or their cousin’s house? What happens when they go on a sleepover, to summer camp or meet another child on holiday who wants to show them something? Our best tool is talking. So where to begin? How can we possibly find age-appropriate ways to talk about such scary topics?

I think it is important we address the core motivation behind young people seeking out choking challenges. It’s the quest for a ‘high’ and perhaps to ‘fit in’, as this behaviour has become normalised. Children on social media may feel pressured into copy-cat behaviour or feel excited to try something ‘risky’. They have zero idea of the risks to their health from such behaviour and how lethal it can be. That is where parental conversations can be a literal lifesaver.

Start with the basics. Be honest with them. Sometimes they will see stuff that really isn't appropriate. Ask them, what would you do? Have you ever come across an online challenge? Have you ever been tempted to partake? As adults, we can understand that. Perhaps chat about a time when you were a teen, and something felt truly tempting and you really wanted to show off to your friends?

Initiate dialogue about the type of pernicious content readily available. If you have chosen to allow your child to use social media, then they could potentially access anything. Prep them for that. Tell them you know pornographic content is pervasive, but you are confident they know it isn’t realistic, and they understand it isn’t there to educate. Discuss the ways in which social media companies make content attractive, normal and appealing. Talk about the exploitative nature of some marketing models.

During the conversation or subsequently, you might find your children or teens defend certain actions or beliefs. Stay cool. Invite them ‘in’ rather than ‘out’ and try to explore their perspective. They might describe certain behaviour as ‘fun’ and you might worry about whether they are actively engaged in it or not. A good way of exploring this is asking them if they know other names for other risky challenges (perhaps they mention the ‘skull-breaker challenge’ or ‘car surfing’?). Can they show you an example on their phone? How can they reassure you that they avoid viewing such content? How do they make sure they stay safe?

While topics like choking can feel overwhelming and deeply uncomfortable to approach, it is vital that we don’t look the other way. Our teens are growing up in an environment that exposes them to risky behaviours far earlier and more frequently than many of us experienced. Silence or avoidance won’t protect them. Open, honest, and ongoing conversations give them the best possible chance of staying safe online.

If dialogues lead to discovery that a child has previously tried a dangerous challenge, amid the shock, find a way of thanking them for disclosing that. Focus on their safety first rather than rushing to punish. Tell them that this is an extremely dangerous activity and that it can cause serious harm. “Were you aware”, you might ask, “that choking, even just for a few seconds, can cause brain damage, heart problems, and even death. It’s a huge risk, even if it feels harmless in the moment. I am very glad we are having this conversation”.

Stay caring and curious. You might enquire: "Can you tell me what made you want to try it?", "Was it something you saw online, or did someone else encourage you?", "How did you feel about it afterwards?"

Tell them you understand the desire to try something that sounds risky and fun but remind them there are safer ways to seek thrills without the threat of death. Come up with a family plan to seek out fun but challenging activities that might just give them an adrenaline rush they can be proud to tell their friends about. Be proactive in coming up with social scripts the next time their friend or follower on social media suggests they try an online challenge. Remind them you are proud of them, there for them and that you will ALWAYS be willing to figure things out with them, no matter what.

At this point, you have my permission to lie down and give yourself a giant pat on the back for finding the courage to confront the trickiest of topics, thus diluting the power and influence of any algorithm.