Reflect
Yesterday, I took a break from writing an assembly on the theme of inclusion and belonging because I was experiencing writer's block, so I went to the cinema to see the film, Wicked. I am not ‘one for musicals’, but by the end I was bouncing out of the place, motivated to write about what I had just seen.
The whole way through the film, all I could think about was its clever allegorical meanings; those layers referencing political shifts, contemporary conflicts and challenges that the children in the rows around me wouldn’t be quite old enough to get. It is a film about exclusion right from the get-go; how easily people can be judged, alienated and ‘othered’. In the case of Elphaba Thropp (future Wicked Witch of the West in the Land of Oz), it related to her physical appearance (green skin), but she could have represented anyone who didn’t quite fit the mould. As you are watching the film, you can’t help but think of those that are being ‘othered’ in school, in society, at work or around the world, and what that might feel like. Whilst watching it, I was mentally writing a RSE module for schools on ‘The Wicked Witch and the Aetiology of her Unkind Behaviour’. This film gives context to her story and helps us unlearn assumptions about someone we have always known as ‘wicked’.
Glinda (played by pop icon, Ariana Grande) is the sugar-sweet girl who is steeped in unbridled popularity with her peers who idolise her. She ’runs the show’, enjoying a great deal of social power. Without giving the story away, let’s just say there is plenty of food for thought on themes like the origins of popularity, the psychology of cliques, relational aggression and what it means to be a positive bystander when witnessing bullying. For me, it was a reminder that ‘fitting in’ isn’t really often that good for our own spirit. Having to shift into any social mould that contrasts with who we really are can feel exhausting, impossible even.
Many children and adults can watch and connect with the characters. As Christmas approaches, all of us who celebrate will likely be looking forward to connecting with those people who really love and ‘get’ us, as well as possibly dreading events where we might have to mask who we are to get through it. Wicked provides plenty of inspiration for pre-Christmas family chats about the concept of belonging that tie in nicely with the Christmas story where there was ‘no place at the inn’.
Motivate
A few weeks ago, I had to have a small operation and, in anticipation of this, kind friends sent me warm wishes and, in some cases, prayers.
One friend said she would remember me in her morning meditation and send ‘light my way’. Another told me she would keep me in her duas. One pal had already submitted a prayer to a particular saint and a colleague had lit a candle for me at his Shabbat. It was fascinating to learn about the different ways my friends sought support in their lives through their religious faiths and rituals. It reminded me of all the core human qualities that we value within close friendships and which surpass differences.
When writing resources on ‘inclusion’ this week, I had to start right at the beginning, spelling out that we are all different, and also entirely unique. I had to explain that people have different ways of living, being and believing and that it is ok to be curious about one another, whilst being respectful. It is easier for an adult to ask respectful questions of friends who practise different faiths, but often children need such approaches to be modelled. I have always greatly enjoyed taking my children to friends’ houses where different traditions are in place. During delicious meals together, we have caught a glimpse of countries and cultures beyond our own home and been able to learn about the world around us.
Earlier in the year, to show my children that their DNA is both diverse and fascinating and that they aren’t just half Irish/English, we embarked on DNA tests as parents. The results revealed an ancestry that was completely unexpected. My teens were intrigued: “How could mummy be 1% from Syria?”, “I thought mum was from Belfast, how come they mention Wales?” and, “I thought Dad was from Watford? This says he is from a place I have never heard of!”
Happily, along with the DNA test, I was able to submit the results into our digital family tree and hey presto, start tracing our family ancestry. I am often fond of citing a particular quotation in my parenting talks on children’s resilience and that is Audrey Tang’s assertion that “resilience is rooted in self-knowledge and understanding”. By exploring our own diverse family histories and stories, we’ve given our children a sense of connection to the generations that came before us, and this can be motivating as we contemplate the future in a way that’s grounded in a deeper understanding of who we are.
Through learning about our own identities, my children began to appreciate that we can’t make assumptions about anyone based on appearances or name alone. They also learned that, somewhere along the line, our ancestors were displaced or had to travel in search of a better life, to escape poverty, persecution or prejudice. Through my family history searches, I was able to locate a picture of my children’s great-great grandmother whose jaw had been broken by a border guard as she made her way to safety. She stands defiant in the picture, relaxed even. She bore the hallmarks of persecution and discrimination, yet had moved on to establish a life for herself that ultimately allowed her descendants to grow up in safety and security. There is much to dwell on when we reframe ‘others’ as simply ‘us’.
Support
We all know that children can be ‘sponges’ in terms of adopting the behaviours, attitudes, gestures even of those around them. It is a heavy responsibility! Taking a little bit of time to think about what we are modelling matters.
Fresh from a series of webinars that I co-hosted with psychiatrist, Professor Stephen Scott on parenting styles, I have been thinking about the way we argue at home and how we can do better ahead of 2025. Everyone argues from time to time in family life and the Christmas period can be a particularly tricky one. Research evidence is clear that arguments that are left hanging, unresolved and that facilitate responses such as storming off, seething silent treatment and harsh words can be particularly harmful to children, if witnessed by them.
Professor Scott talked about how children react emotionally to bearing witness to this type of parental argument; often by withdrawing or becoming emotionally dysregulated, unhappy and sad. He advocates modelling constructive discussion, making up and saying sorry. In this way, we teach our children so much. Even if we are separated from a co-parent, modelling any kind of courtesy, best wishes and seasonal greeting is less harmful than talking about them in disparaging terms. One of things that struck me from working with Professor Scott is that, as he says, no parent is perfect and there are a million ways to be a ‘good enough parent’.
I also liked his point that it is harder to parent well when we are highly stressed ourselves. We have so much power as parents to change the temperature in our homes. I know myself, if I wake up demanding and irritable, my teens are much more likely to start the day in poor form as, more than likely, the day has started with me nagging them, which they read rightly as pure criticism. It is just not nice that they are on the receiving end of my own self-criticism (stressed because I have so much on my work plate, etc.). I am working hard on framing each day with positive praise. “Thank you for getting up when you said you would”, “Thank you for walking the dog, that is really kind”. I am often struck by how much nicer we are, when interacting with strangers or neighbours than with our own immediate family! Can we be polite and positive this Christmas to those close to us? It is a personal challenge but one worth attempting.
Christmas holidays are often idealised in print, films and in our own minds. However, as we all know, family time can be fraught as we all process and make sense of the stresses and strains of the year. At Christmas, let’s instead focus on the richness of dialogue between us. If we think before we speak, choose our words wisely, and frame actions in love rather than criticism, imagine what we can achieve and how we might feel stepping into 2025?
This is the last Wednesday Wisdom of the year. Thank you to the 13,000 readers of this weekly blog and to the 30,000 registered users of our digital platform in seven countries. A warm welcome to parents in the United States who are becoming “Tooled Up” shortly (we launch our first ‘Tooled Up’ school in the US early next year).
Together, we have created a digital community of like-minded, loving parents, carers and committed educators who always want to learn more, inspired by research insights and motivated by a passion for ensuring children are able to thrive in all aspects of their lives. We are stronger together as we navigate this great parenting journey.
I hope you enjoy your family time together this holiday season wherever you are in the world.
Are you a Tooled Up member?
We have a whole section of resources about creating inclusive environments within Tooled Up. Find them here. If you’ve been inspired to research your own family tree, our activity can be used to ignite fascinating chats about a whole raft of social issues as well as prompt conversations about family traits, characteristics and occupations. And, if you'd like to hear more from Professor Stephen Scott, you can watch recordings of our webinars here.
Throughout 2024, our platform of resources has grown a great deal and with the help of our subscribers’ fantastic suggestions and feedback, we now have well over 1000 interviews, webinars, articles and activities, all ready and waiting to support our community. This year, big hits included our Smart Reviser which is packed with helpful tips for teens, our Quick Guide to Anxiety, and the Wobble Ladder, which helps children and young people work towards overcoming any challenges by tracking small steps forward.
We’ve also hosted three very successful conferences with some fantastic experts, and you can find all of the presentations on our website, along with accompanying notes. Back in May, we tackled a variety of important issues, such as skincare, self-esteem and body confidence in our conference on Reaching Girls Early. This was swiftly followed by an in depth look at protecting young people and children, where we considered topics such as pornography, healthy sexual behaviours, online misogyny and verbal abuse. In November, we followed up with Reaching Boys Early, where themes included positive masculinity and body image. We have exciting plans afoot for 2025. Watch this space!