Reflect

Easier said than done. How can we as parents and carers facilitate such self-awareness? What steps can we take to ensure our children not just like but love themselves? Why is this important? Well, because when a child feels resilient, they usually feel liked and loved. They know who is in their ‘circle’ (who they can turn to when they are struggling), and can return to that foundation of our rock-solid unconditional love when things go wrong in life. And things will go wrong. Our children will experience disappointment, failure, rejection, bereavement and heartbreak over the course of their lives, and equipping them with a set of skills to navigate such challenges needs to be at the heart of our parenting endeavours. Last week, one of my children experienced a disappointment that was tough to witness; turned down from something he deserved and had worked hard for. I sat back and watched, wondering if the efforts I had made over the years to develop his resilience would count for anything. After the shock of rejection, he was quiet. He looked hurt. He knew he needed to be alone and asked for it. He distracted himself with gaming. He did this for two days. Then he began to participate in normal activities. He started to joke with friends a little. He met up with others who had been successful in the same process and was able to congratulate them. He began to reframe it as ‘not the end of the road’, considered other options and started to feel excited about plan B. I couldn’t believe how quickly he was able to refocus and start working again. I felt proud, moved and confident that he had some tools in that toolbox that would stand him in good stead moving forward.

Temperament plays a role in resilience too; every child is different. Some young people will take longer than others to recover and adapt from difficult experiences. This is normal. However, the more a young person knows themselves, the quicker they can recognise what they need in the moment of crisis or difficulty and can articulate that. If your child says they don’t want to talk about something right now, that is a positive sign - self-advocacy matters. If they say they feel sad and disappointed, that is positive too, as they are expressing those feelings and feel able to share them.

In the face of a challenge that feels hard, some young people will want to play loud music, doodle and draw, run around the block, hit the gym, talk to friends, cry down the phone to grandma, dance, sing, journal or spend time with their pet pooch. As parents we can support their endeavours to self-care and help them notice what works for them.

Let’s give them feedback that recognises the fact they know themselves well and can take the necessary steps they need to take to protect their mental health. Scripts such as: “I am really impressed with the way you are handling this”. “I am so proud of you for taking that time to be by yourself, you really know what works for you!”, can help consolidate their view of themselves as good copers.

Motivate

Recently, we did some work within Tooled Up exploring how autistic young people might be better supported to ‘fit in’ to various environments. Perhaps they are at school, heading to university or about to embark on a new job in a new environment. It was interesting to delve into this area where the conclusion came across loud and clear; they shouldn’t have to.

We know from research that some young autistic people might struggle with change, social friendships, be sensitive to sensory issues within their immediate environment and may be more vulnerable to bullying. For many years, there was an expectation that all young people had to be educated to ‘fit in’, to learn the social scripts that meant they were forced to ‘mask’ who they were, rather than celebrate all that they had to offer the world. No wonder anxiety is a significant challenge that faces autistic children in the school system! Also, imagine going through puberty and experiencing bodily changes that are entirely unpredictable and unsettling. That too can be a particularly difficult experience for young people who struggle with transition of any kind. Sometimes, I have been in awe hearing how young teens have managed to cope, camouflage and manage the heavy demands of a school day as well as the normal ups and downs of adolescence where ‘finding oneself’ and ‘belonging’ feel developmentally critical.

We all know that feeling of putting on a ‘charade’ and managing the impression of ourselves in front of others. It’s an utterly exhausting experience. From a practical perspective, aided by research insights, we can take steps to promote inclusivity, kindness and understanding. As schools and employers, we can care, ask and audit the physical environment for those that work with us and for us. We can teach people to self-advocate and reward them for speaking up. We can establish interventions alongside young people, rather than impose ideas on them. Together, we can challenge notions of normalcy and celebrate the rich diversity and personalities of everyone who lives within our communities. We can give young people opportunities to feel agentic; to talk about what matters to them, to action things they care deeply about. We can encourage them to seek out opportunities for collaboration with like-minded people.

We can teach all young people to pay attention to which activities bring them joy and give them more access to these activities, as much as possible. We can ‘catch’ their resilience by noticing progress and encouraging them to reflect on how they managed. Our care and curiosity as educators and parents is the perfect antidote to any narrative that promotes superiority, devalues any person or challenges their worth.

Support

Right from the get-go, all loving parents want to protect our children from difficulty. We really don’t want them climbing all the way to the top of the tree for fear of falling, we don’t want them forgetting their lines in the middle of the school play or struggling once those stabilisers are removed from their first bike, we don’t want them to walk home late at night for fear of something happening to them. It is normal to be protective. However, as counterintuitive as it feels, we do need to ensure that they experience challenge and difficulty! Challenge gives children the experience of learning what they are capable of. Challenge invites them to think things through, problem-solve and negotiate. Challenge gives them the opportunity to step a little outside of their comfort zones and encourages them to persevere and adapt.

As parents and educators, we can model this approach by sharing our own stories of perseverance - times when we faced obstacles or disappointments, but we adapted, and ultimately emerged stronger. By normalising struggle as part of learning and growth, we help our children understand that setbacks are not reflections of their worth. We can also remind them that growth isn’t a linear journey. Some days they may feel unstoppable. On others, that little gremlin of self-doubt might creep in, and they’ll need to work hard to push those negative thoughts aside. Encourage them to be kind to themselves, to look for evidence and to imagine what they’d say to a friend in the same situation. Modelling the same approach ourselves is important too. How often do we berate ourselves for little mistakes? If we all try to take an approach that is steeped in kindness, forgiveness and compassion, towards ourselves and others, our children are more likely to do the same.

Ultimately, if we nurture self-knowledge and self-acceptance in our children, we equip them with an inner compass that will guide them through life’s ups and downs. They will learn to trust themselves, advocate for their needs, and build relationships that uplift them. And when they fall - because they inevitably will - they’ll know how to get back up, stronger and wiser than before. Let’s encourage them to embrace who they are, grow into who they want to be, and navigate life with courage, curiosity and confidence.