Reflect

I sighed at the view of that baby body of yesteryear; a rounded belly, the chubby arms with thick folds, a face stained with lunchtime spaghetti. Watching that old clip, I could vividly recall every sinew of that beloved body. I could summon the smell of his hair (scented with milk and playdough). I remembered exactly what it felt like to kiss that small, sticky hand.

As parents, we have a unique affinity, deep love, respect and regard for our children’s bodies. We have kissed, hugged, held, soothed, cherished and nurtured those bodies every day of their lives.

Little did I know back then, that by the time my son would reach adulthood in 2024, he would be a digital citizen in a world where one’s physical body would be viewed as something requiring editing, modifying or filtering, routinely promoted on social media as commodities within a digital ecosystem where sexual consumerism is king.

A dangerous narrative is currently sweeping many forms of media that suggests economic empowerment and personal fulfilment lie on the other side of sharing sexual imagery. It might begin with a teen sharing sexualised pics on Instagram that attract external commentary, but these activities can easily slide into sharing sexualised pictures on request. This activity is concerning whether it involves an exchange with strangers or occurs between peers.

Producing, possessing and sharing nudes and semi-nudes of under 18s is illegal in the UK, yet it’s on the rise. Recent research by Revealing Reality showed that among 15 – 18-year-olds, 20% of girls and 13% of boys have sent a nude picture or video of themselves, 60% of girls and 31% of boys have been asked to share a nude or semi-nude, and 54% of girls and 30% of boys have experienced someone sending them a nude or semi-nude.

One parent recently told me that her teen daughter has shared ‘pics’ with her boyfriend on Snapchat, but mum didn’t feel worried as, “They’re very sensible”. She failed to acknowledge any illegality, distribution risk or to show curiosity regarding the motivation behind participation. It’s easy to be lulled into inaction when sharing sexualised pics happens so commonly within the world of digital dating. It is so much easier to ignore it and hope for the best!

As parents and educators, we should also be concerned about children’s exposure to business models that glamourise selling sexualised content. Pop singers, Lily Allen and Kate Nash both recently spoke about the ease with which they sell feet and ‘bum pics’ on OnlyFans; officially a ‘content creation platform’ (a more realistic descriptor by Professor Gail Dines is that it is a digital space ‘where prostitution meets porn’).

Allen and Nash were happy to frame their content creation as commonsensical, harmless and financially savvy. Teens are likely to have seen clips online where adults talk about the money they make on such sites. According to some researchers, ‘adult sex content creators’ are even able to promote their wares to young teens, flooding social media with sexualised content in an attempt to attract subscribers. One study showed such content appeared in the feeds of 13 year olds within 30 minutes of accounts being established!

The CEO of OnlyFans describes the site as an ‘inclusive’ community where creatives ‘connect with fans’, enjoy self-expression via ‘ethically made’ content that drives ‘economic wellbeing’. Shame she fails to mention the growing body of evidence that the platform has been used by “Romeo pimps” exploiting children, trafficked women and flogging child sexual abuse material. Evidence also suggests OnlyFans may have struggled to prevent underage users from using the site. Whilst the platform requires users to be over 18, and does check this using an age estimation tool, a lot of children do seem to be getting through, something that is currently being investigated by Ofcom.

Motivate

Dipping our parental toes into dialogue of this kind takes a bit of biting one’s lip and some planning. It’s good to think a few points through first. What exactly are we trying to achieve with this chat? What might we hear and how will we respond in ways that ‘open up’ rather shut down the chat? How will we get there? It is less about finger-wagging and more about peppering conversation with what do you think? enquiries, exploring their existing knowledge and viewpoints, before proffering some of our own.

As with all sex-based platforms, there is an allure that can be tough for teens to resist. It is normal to want to peek at material that others talk about, or that is signposted to you by algorithms. We need to acknowledge this. In doing so, we remove the stigma of talking about the pornified world our children are subject to.

Next, we might address the motivations of those who participate in selling sexual content online. Your teens may be sympathetic to the ‘economic wellbeing’ argument or defensive of adults’ rights to sell sex in this format. But would they agree that selling or using this content may impact negatively on intimate relationships in content creators’ lives? If so, how come? What is the downside of participation? Where are the potential risks? Critically, is this a world we wish to be associated with? Does it truly reflect our values as individuals?

Over our roast dinner, we spent a while talking about ‘sexual objectification’ in general (which took a while!). I tried to translate many of the known harms of objectification into teen-friendly terms. My inspiration was this brilliant essay by Dr Elly Hanson from Fully Human, where she describes research that demonstrates how people perceive the sexually objectified as being significantly less warm, competent, intelligent and moral than others, as well as having less of a mind and free will. Of further concern, she notes, people see them as less deserving of moral treatment and less capable of feeling pain. Objectification means seeing others as ‘less human’ to use Dr Hanson’s phrase, and this is deeply concerning for all of us. Witnessing others commodify body parts is particularly harmful when children and teens are secret consumers. Imagine viewing the content on platforms like OnlyFans before you have had your first kiss, travelled through puberty or experienced physical intimacy? Imagine the harmful, unrealistic expectations that could inadvertently be set as templates for intimate relationships.

Arguably, the most important contribution we as parents can make is to ensure that our children have sufficient self-regard and self-worth that never need to seek the kind of validation offered by online strangers. Philosopher, Alain de Botton, claims that “a marker of good parenting, is that your child doesn't have any wish to be famous”. In a world where status seeking is rife, as Alain says, the capacity to bear anonymity is “a hallmark of confidence”. His remarks have even more potency when applied to the digital world.

Support

Alarmingly, I found both parent and child reviews for the OnlyFans site on popular review site, Common Sense Media the other day. What does this tell us? That time is of the essence. That as a very first step, way before social media engagement usage, particularly through the primary school years, we need to cultivate children’s body love, acceptance and self-compassion. We want our children to value and respect their bodies, as we do. We want them to appreciate what their bodies can do for them and instil a strong sense of body gratitude. We can do all of this by modelling positive body talk at home and being kind to ourselves when we look in the mirror. We can teach children to respect one another’s body boundaries.

Before they ever set foot in the digital world, we can shore them up and provide them with the psychological armour they need so that they will never be vulnerable to grooming in any way by sites or strangers. Shoring them up also means talking early and in age-appropriate terms about material that is not suitable for children in online spaces, whilst reassuring them that we are there for them no matter what. At the very least, we need to teach them to be digitally discerning and work towards building their confidence so that they know they can reach out to the adults around them and get honest answers, as well as having tools to manage any digital challenge that comes their way.