Reflect

The treatment of others and our role as bystanders to poor behaviour has been high on my agenda this week. I am drawn to write about the treatment of women and girls (in particular) following several emails received last week.

I heard from a teen boy who witnessed a male friend act opportunistically and inappropriately towards a young female at a house party. I spoke to a girl in Year 13 who is obliged to pop home at lunchtime to make her father’s lunch (because that is the family expectation), and read an account from a female teacher who had been sexually harassed by a group of boys in the corridor one ordinary lunchtime. Seemingly, such behaviour is not as uncommon as we might think in school settings.

Last week, as with every other week, I read about the deaths of women and girls at the hands of men within their own family or social circle. Holly Newton (aged 15) was stalked and then murdered by her ex-boyfriend who appears to have been unaccepting of the fact their relationship had ended. Such incidents should stop us in our tracks rather than make us turn the page. One of the themes that runs through the situations described above is misogyny: one of the dark roots behind violence against women and girls. When girls or women are considered ‘less than’, such an attitude contributes to actions that are designed to demean and dehumanise. If some men feel ‘entitled’ to a woman or girl’s attention, time and to their physical body whenever they feel like it, deep-rooted patriarchal values are at play.

The deaths of young women documented on a weekly basis (there was even a femicide census at one point) remind us that men’s violence against women is a leading cause of premature death for women globally. In the UK, crimes including stalking, harassment, sexual assault and domestic violence affect one in 12 women in England and Wales. Domestic abuse makes up 18% of all recorded crime in England and Wales and a woman is killed by a man every three days in the UK. Notably, between 2018 and 2023, there was a 37% increase in violent crimes against women and girls. In the year ending March 2022, there were 194,683 sexual offences, of which 70,330 were rape; the vast majority of rapes are carried out by people known to victims. Potentially, these alarming statistics are fuelled by gender inequalities, ignorance, inaction, the proliferation of misogynistic online communities and the consumption of pornography (did you know that 41% of professional content on free porn platforms has been found to depict violence against women?).

We could argue that turning a blind eye to poor, ‘lower level’ behaviours has not helped. If we can tackle the roots of violence against women, we have some hope of reducing it longer term. The scale running from sexist name-calling to extreme, violent misogyny needs to be recognised and understood. In short, we need to think about the actions and changes that we can all make in our own lives, in our own families and places of work.

Motivate

What can we do to empower our children to protect themselves and to be responsible, kind citizens, friends and partners? Firstly, we need to grow awareness around basic decency and treatment of others. This refers to who we are as people and to our core moral values. What do we believe in? What is our family ethos regarding the treatment of others? What is our approach towards gender equity in our homes and workplaces? At the very least, we can have an open conversation about how we hope to be treated by others, and how our behaviour towards others might mirror that expectation.

During family conversations, we might uncover views within our families that we consider wrong, problematic or even abhorrent. Careful how you tread. Perhaps you encounter misogynistic or sexist attitudes that you wish to challenge? Perhaps you discover that someone your teen is following on social media is having more of a toxic influence than you would like? Did you know, for example, that extreme incel communities, who spread misogyny, misinformation, sexism, and sometimes violence, are not only hidden away in dark corners of the web, but are visible on mainstream social media platforms including TikTok? No matter the stones that get overturned, stay calm and focus on exploration, with the aim of introducing a degree of cognitive flexibility to your teen’s thinking.

In other words, try to get to grips with their way of seeing the world before gently putting forward small challenges to their viewpoints that can be discussed. As criminologist Dr Emily Setty suggests, “call them in, rather than out”. Invite them to consider alternative views, encourage empathy for others and model open-mindedness. Such conversations might take time and even impact other areas of family life. For example, you might need to further explore your teen’s digital diet and social circle before getting to grips with their worldview.

One of the key challenges of digital parenting is understanding how our teens are navigating the online world. What are they getting up to on social media apps? What do they consider appropriate behaviour? Poor digital hygiene, impulsivity characteristic of the adolescent years, and a lack of monitoring or open conversation can contribute to situations where young people are exposed to harm, or at the very least harmful attitudes. According to Rape Crisis, 9 in 10 girls and young women experience being sent unwanted sexually explicit images or being called sexist names. Such treatment has become entirely normalised.

The normalisation of digital forms of harassment echo what is happening offline too. UK Feminista and the National Education Union’s joint report, ‘It’s Just Everywhere’ found that over a third (37%) of girls at mixed-sex schools have been sexually harassed whilst at school compared to 6% of boys. Again, these are important statistics to digest, share, talk about and build actions around. We should aim to do so in ways that don’t alienate our teenage boys or men in general.

Misogyny harms women and men. As Professor Michael Flood points out, sadly, many boys and men can feel forced into harmful ‘man boxes’; societal expectations that value traditional male characteristics of power, dominance and physical strength. Such demands can make forming a positive and healthy masculine identity in the modern world more challenging. Equally, asking boys and men to ‘man up’ rather than reveal emotional vulnerability is a deeply toxic, yet common expectation. What can we do?

We need to promote emotional literacy in our homes; give our children permission to feel, cultivate an expressive vocabulary with which they can share feelings, and help them to identify a toolbox of coping mechanisms to manage difficult feelings (rage, anger, disappointment, rejection and jealousy).

Another ‘thing’ that we can do is to educate those around us about the ‘safety work’ that women do in their everyday lives. This point was raised by the Irish actress Saoirse Ronan during a stint on a UK television chat show last week. As the men on the sofa chuckled about the futility of using a mobile phone to fend off a street attacker, Saoirse made the point that such calculations have to be considered by women routinely in their everyday lives. ‘Safety work’ refers to adaptations that women make to stay safe in the outside world that men typically do not need to consider as often.

Following Saoirse Ronan’s comments, journalist Nick Robinson sat down for a conversation with his teen daughter about her experiences of simply going about her business. She shared and he listened. I had a similar chat with my 18 year old son who enquired why I wouldn’t go jogging at night in the forest near our home. I explained that I’d love to do that, but just didn’t feel safe. Was I afraid of the dark, he asked? Nope. What then? Anyone who might harm me. But who? A man typically. Once I explained the stats, my own experiences and those of other women, he got it. He appreciated that it was unfair for me to feel like that. I hope that his growing understanding could shape future conversations, actions and raise awareness in ways that support women and girls.

Support

Signpost them to this quiz to establish if their relationship is a truly healthy one and be there to talk it through with them if it isn’t.

Are you working with young people and want a ready-made programme and lesson plans on healthy relationships to show pupils? The ‘Our Expect Respect programme’ is free and reaches children and young people aged 4-18. White Ribbon (a UK charity engaging men and boys to end violence against women and girls) has an excellent range of resources for schools. Bold Voices has also created a pack of 16 cards to prompt discussion about gender equality which can be downloaded from their website.

Are you a member of a school senior leadership team seeking a ‘whole school approach’? Tackling sexism and sexual harassment requires every member of the school community to form part of the solution. Senior leadership teams in schools need to establish a culture of zero tolerance of sexism and sexual harassment. All school staff should be properly equipped to tackle the issue with confidence. Furthermore, students must be supported to recognise these issues when they arise, know the reporting procedures and, most importantly, have confidence that concerns will be taken seriously. Staff need to understand the barriers to disclosure and find ways to overcome them. Students should be encouraged to take positive action to promote gender equality in their school community and be celebrated for their efforts. UK Feminista is a charitable organisation that provides training for teachers and offers an online resource hub with classroom activities, tips for staff, classroom posters, case studies, guides and templates to help with the implementation of a whole school approach. The UK Feminista: Action Award recognises and rewards schools and colleges that have taken outstanding action to tackle sexism and sexual harassment through a whole school or college approach. Perhaps you know a school or college that deserves recognition?