Reflect

Watching such scenes has made me reflect on all that is precious and intangible. Typically, people have cried in television interviews, not because they have lost their brand new kitchen, but because of the memories made in these devastated spaces. “That is where my son learned to walk”, one woman declared as she stared in disbelief at the total destruction of her family home in California. “This is where I spent 70 years of my life with my wife who passed away last year”, lamented one 93 year old gentleman. The items that people took with them with ten minutes to spare spoke to what may matter most; their cat, passport and laptop in one individual’s case. Photographs of children when they were little, family dogs and Grandma’s jewellery meant the most for another person.

Viewing these events from a distance and from the safety of our own homes has led to discussion in my family about what we value and what really matters. Speaking for myself, after my children, saving my cat would be a top priority! As would salvaging a particular box full of old CDs that document my children’s early years. Next up, the passports and… maybe my wallet.

What would you grab if you had 10 minutes to leave your home? This exercise also reminds us that a home is so much more than just ‘stuff’. The intangible aspects of a home are what many displaced people desire more than anything - peace, privacy, comfort, security and psychological safety. We see people on our televisions returning to the physical hole or space where their home once was. Some even want to remain in that spot and to rebuild. Why might that be? Because we are honed to return to what is familiar and where there is familiarity, there is hope; hope that we might see our neighbours again, that our loved ones and/or our animals might find their way back, and that we can claim what is ours despite the appalling circumstances. We are programmed for agency and to seek out the controllables as any devastating experience unfolds.

Of all the various attributes of what makes a home, the concept of psychological safety is arguably the most important. It is unimaginable to consider what it must feel like to be frightened to sleep at night for fear of bombs, missile strikes or raging fires coming for our families from over the hillside. The peace that we enjoy every day in our own homes is a tremendous blessing in this troubled world.

Motivate

Amy Edmondson, Harvard professor and author of The Fearless Organization coined the phrase “team psychological safety” in the context of corporate teams and organisations, but it can also usefully apply to family dynamics.

So how do we get there? Firstly, you don’t need to be a psychologist to recognise the significance of the parent-child attachment as key to children’s psychological security. So, the more time we invest in being close, showing affection and being sensitive to our child’s growing needs, the better! The more authentic we can be with our children, the more likely we are to build trust. This doesn’t mean we are perfect, but simply warm, genuine and thoughtful in the way in which we interact with them.

Secondly, it goes without saying that one of the foundational building blocks for psychological wellbeing in the home is not being exposed to violence, harm or unresolved, persistent parental conflict and argument. We want to create spaces where our children feel relieved to be home, rather than dreading walking through the front door. For children living in a context where factors like domestic violence might be present or trauma occurs, they may need extra support as they grow and develop. This video explains how childhood trauma can lead to what is called ‘latent vulnerability’ in such children. If children feel they can reach out to those caregivers around them (rather than fear them), and express themselves without fear of ridicule, it adds to that sense of safety. If a parent can listen and validate a child’s feelings, remaining both caring and curious, they are investing in that child’s self-worth and self-esteem long-term. We need to give our children permission to feel at home.

Children thrive when they live in a family culture with a sense of positive predictability, where consistency reigns. We can help create such an environment by parenting authoritatively; where boundaries and expectations are established, where children are encouraged to respect themselves and others. Our recent webinar with leading psychiatrist, Professor Stephen Scott went into some depth about how authoritative parenting can lead to better mental health outcomes across the board for children. His description of authoritative parenting as ‘love with limits’ describes the essence of this parenting style that is so strongly associated with children doing well emotionally, academically and socially.

Support

Allowing and watching our children try new experiences can be a heart-stopping experience. We have all arrived in a playground or park once upon a time and witnessed our children racing towards an enormous slide or tree to climb. We have felt the fear!

At this point, many parents would stop them in their tracks for fear of them getting hurt. Others might say, ok, but just hold on, let me help and support you. It can be hard to find the time and energy to provide the scaffolding that a child might need when doing something tricky. But it is also worth it. When we support and scaffold in those moments, children feel the confidence we have in them and are better able to actively develop their skills under our careful guidance. We have all had similar experiences during homework time. It takes time and patience to support a child through a tricky maths problem. But, without our gentle perseverance, scaffolding and nudging, some children might become frustrated or even give up. Success in learning can feel fragile. Our kindness, our curiosity, our lack of overreaction when they make a mistake all matter greatly. The trust and bond between parent and child can provide a safe landing. As author Dr Timothy Clark has said “in a psychologically safe environment, curiosity replaces blame, and trust is the foundation for creativity and resilience.” Psychological safety provides a springboard for children to be themselves. There is no need to mask who we are when we feel accepted, loved and supported, and that freedom is deeply empowering.

So as the world turns this week, let’s ask our children when they feel at home and when they feel like they can be themselves. Let’s encourage them to reflect on what feels good in their lives and who makes them feel good about themselves. Let’s help them feel psychologically anchored so that any new challenge that comes their way will be approached with aplomb and with a degree of confidence, knowing we await lovingly on the other side of the initial discomfort.