Reflect

In my role, I hear from parents and educators on a daily basis. This is particularly the case during the month of September. Why? Often, it's because at the start of the school term, children are given new pieces of information that they need to process; about who is in their class, who their teacher is, and whether or not they have a prized role at school for the term ahead. Who will be selected as prefect? Captain of the sports’ team? Head boy or girl? Who will be given the coveted position of class representative, head chorister, head of house? Every school has its own sought after positions. Every year, parental aspirations are raised and dashed in a single day!

I remember waiting excitedly and with nervous anticipation about whether my eldest had been made head boy or not. I know what it feels like to be waiting to see… has he been noticed? Will he stand out? Will he be recognised by the school for all the great attributes and skills that he possesses? As parents, we are our children’s greatest cheerleaders, so it’s entirely understandable why it disappoints (hurts maybe?) when our child does not receive the accolade that we feel they merit.

My eldest, once upon a time, aged 13, was not made head boy and whilst I was a little disappointed, it felt important to ensure I was modelling gentle acceptance on receipt of the news. Imagine if I said that this result was outrageous! That the selected boy did not deserve it (and everybody knows it), that I would write or call the school to complain. What would I have taught my children? You can imagine that this approach could cause conflict and friction between children, lead to tittle-tattle, unkindness, resentment and a lack of humility.

Once upon a time, I was sitting in a prize-giving ceremony and one boy kept scooping up numerous prizes, one after another. Another boy who hadn’t received a thing kept patting him on the back and clapping with joy every time his friend got off his seat to receive yet another cup! Several parents noticed and commented that they would hire the encourager in a second! Imagine having someone on your team who has the good character to be happy for another person’s success, who is able to reframe disappointment and find it in themselves to say ‘well done’ even though they feel gutted about coming second.

Rejection, losing and missing out are universally human experiences and with the right support and scaffolding, they can help to build character. My son is currently applying to attend Cambridge University, a daunting journey! We are both acutely aware that he can only do his best in terms of the admissions application, that this may not be enough, and that’s ok. I have been preparing him for both success and for disappointment. A cute irony is that he plans to draw on his experience of not becoming head boy when asked in interviews about a ‘time you experienced a setback’.

You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned children’s aspirations yet. That’s because, in my experience, children are generally accepting of school decisions which have been carefully explained by school staff. They generally know why the school chose a particular candidate for a particular role and tend to be happy for their friends.

Motivate

At any given moment, there is probably something to feel anxious about, so how can we teach our children to develop coping skills that they can use and reuse to keep anxiety at manageable levels and stop it from morphing into overwhelm?

For us at Tooled Up, September seemed to coincide with a lot of questions about separation anxiety at the school gate. If you have ever experienced your child crying at your feet, clinging to your body, or even being physically sick at the thought of leaving you, you know that it is a very challenging and deeply upsetting experience. What does the anxiety literature tell us that could help?

Essentially, it is good to research whatever is going on. Do you notice any patterns? Are they becoming upset on a particular day? Or with a particular person? What can you do to pre-empt the moment of upset? Sometimes this means (a) talking to your child about the concept of saying goodbye; it is just ‘bye bye for now!, as Elmo would say, (b) trying to make the journey to school as fun and light-hearted as possible and (c) helping your child set some little goals that might mean goodbyes feel easier as the week progresses. So many of the tips around anxiety, developed by clinicians like Professor Cathy Creswell, signpost parents to the concept of gently coaching children rather than soothing them. The latter is nice, but is unlikely to be as effective or as encouraging as setting little goals together and supporting your child to reach them.

We can’t ignore the relationship between sleep deprivation and anxiety either, as we know that good sleep quality can help reduce anxiety and support children’s learning. The start of term can often be a time of sleep recalibration following the long summer holidays. If your child is anxious and struggling to cope with the school day, audit their sleep. Can their bedtime be edited slightly to accommodate the long day?

Generally, by the start of October, as families, we can identify what is working and not working regarding school schedules and family organisation. I always recommend sitting down and asking your children; how are we doing? What could work better? Where are the pinch points and what can we do about them? If you continually have arguments about the same thing, work out what the issues are and address them. Modelling this sort of approach is hugely helpful to children, as it shows them how we are interested in improving, learning and doing better. It also gives them the message that every family (big or small) is a team.

Support

If we’re able to successfully zoom out, even momentarily, it can help give us the necessary breathing space to really consider whether the anxiety we feel is proportionate. It also gives us time to think how we might have successfully approached this same task in the past and how we coped previously. Reflection breeds resilience. No one notices more than our children how we react or overreact in any given situation and they will be the first to tell us. If I sound like I am overreacting to my child, perhaps I am? Ask the question. Address your feelings, but then coach yourself in full earshot of your child. “Wait a minute, I am getting into a tizzy about this, when actually I do know what I am doing!” or, “Wait a minute, I can feel myself getting worked up, when I really don’t need to!" You can have fun with it and before you know it your children will be helping you transform your worries into moments of reflection and action.

What of children’s worries and wobbles? A cute tip from a school counsellor that I once met was to help children turn their worries into wonders. I am worried I am not going to know anyone at my new school... might turn into… I wonder how many new people I am going to meet tomorrow! I wonder what strategies I can use to introduce myself to other students? A little word can adjust a whole perspective.

When it comes to learning, the word ‘yet’ sprinkled in to follow a frustrated assertion that they can’t do something can also work wonders. This little word can diffuse a sense of hope into any conversation and emphasises the fact that learning is tricky and can take time.