We've asked Dr Sophie Nesbitt, Consultant Child Psychologist, for her top tips.

Biological and neurological factors

To understand this more it is helpful to think about developmental stage, a boy's body chemistry will be preparing for puberty and the limbic system - the emotional centre of the brain will be developing at a rapid rate. This will lead to emotions feeling heightened. These heightened emotions are often accompanied by behavioural responses, as a boy aged 10 years of age will not have the frontal lobe capacity to reason particularly well. The
frontal lobes are the part of the brain where all the reasoning happens. If we think about these two factors together, we have a heightened limbic system and limited frontal lobe capacity, so this often leads to unreasonable responses. Some aspects of dysfunctional emotion regulation can be understood in terms of the biological and neurological context.

It is always helpful to educate young people about what is going on in their bodies so they can feel knowledgeable and empowered. It is best to do this in a safe and secure way that can feel very positive.

Systemic factors

There may be some things going on with friends in terms of group dynamics. There may be some rivalry for positions in the group and your child may feel threatened by the development of other boys. Some boys will be ahead of him and some behind him. At this age, the boys will be generally developing at different rates, and this can cause some storming to go on in terms of friendship groups.

In terms of advice and support, I think it will be difficult for your child to articulate this clearly as he may not be consciously aware of these changes. I think it is helpful to normalise that sometimes friendships can go up and down and they do not remain constant. If your son is struggling to deal with these changes, it is helpful to give him some context for this.

The family is another system that a child is part of and it can be helpful to just think about family dynamics as well. It may be that nothing obvious has changed to the parental eye but there may be something that triggered your child that you as parents haven’t been aware of. Try to provide a calm and containing environment with room to push boundaries with appropriate consequences. At home, allow your child to practise the skills you want him to use at school and this will build his confidence. Sometimes if they are willing, it can be helpful to role play some challenging situations, so that when the emotion is threatening to take over, the rehearsal can kick in and be effective.

However, understanding biological, neurological and situational factors isn't enough. We need to empower children to manage these responses in a helpful and positive way so that they can feel calm and controlled in challenging situations.

What can help?

Encourage the capacity to reflect and understand.

When calm has been restored after difficult events, encourage your child to think about what was going on at the time. Can they remember what they felt? This nudges a young person to reflect on difficult situations and learn from them, learning that can be applied for next time. It is important to try to offer solution focused reframes of the situation so that they can openly hear what they might do differently next time. Try to identify 'red flag' moments. These would be moments where the situation escalates beyond their control. Offer up solutions to avoid these.

Practise talking and thinking about techniques that can help.

Grounding techniques use the environment as a grounding space for your child. Quite often, when a young person is distressed, they can lose sight of their environment quite quickly. This becomes evident when you talk to them and they will tell you that they can't remember what was happening.

Instead, try to get them to tap into their sensory world and connect more with their environment by focusing on sounds, smells and visual cues. This can connect them back to 'the ground' and help them deescalate successfully.

Step out.

Another very helpful strategy is the idea of stepping out of the situation, taking some time out to regain your composure and then stepping back in. Sometimes, schools can provide a child with a ‘yellow card’ that can be shown when they are struggling, and this becomes their “get out of the situation” card. This can be used when perhaps they recognise the need to ‘step out’ but they can't find the words. So. they just show the card and it becomes a nonverbal signal that they just need to step out. This allows the pressure to be lifted and for the child to step back in when they are ready. The expectation is that they always step back in and they are warmly welcomed when they step back.

Further support

I would suggest practising some of the above to see what impact this can have. If you still feel like your child is struggling, it may be worth seeing if he would value some space outside of the family to talk things through. Sometimes, just one or two sessions with someone independent from the family and the friendship group can be very helpful. Sometimes, schools can provide some pastoral support and create that space within the school
day, which can be positive for the young person. Sometimes, pastoral care staff are able to develop a support plan that can then be shared with the child and teachers who can then provide an extra layer of support, which may be helpful.