Help! My son has his first girlfriend and is asking me about what to buy her for her 18th birthday? Any tips on what to say to him?

Like with all parenting matters, it is easy for us to tell our children what to do, what to buy or how to treat someone else. However, there are rich opportunities here to develop his own confidence when it comes to gift-giving and to develop his character in general.

In order of priority, ask him to tell you more about his girlfriend. What is she like? What does she seem interested in? What has he noticed about her lifestyle or personal taste? What matters to her? Is she interested in art, animals, a particular genre of music? You could encourage him to consider any experiences that they have shared, or ask if he knows anything about her dreams or aspirations. This sort of reflection can develop the sort of thoughtfulness and granularity that inspires meaningful presents. It is not about what your son thinks makes a great present, the process begins with thinking about who the other person is. If he really can’t think of what she is ‘into’, is there anyone else he could ask? Does he know any of her friends? Is there anything he can glean from social media? The things that she posts or shares online, such as favourite books, places she’s travelled to, or things that she’s tagged, might offer helpful inspiration. A thoughtful approach to these questions will ensure that the gift feels personalised and connected to who she truly is.

Next, let’s consider the budget (or this can come earlier depending on how you feel). How much money does he have to spend or want to spend? What would be deemed an acceptable amount to spend given the length of the relationship? If the relationship is relatively new, one might argue it is more acceptable to spend less than if the relationship was lengthy. The general idea is that the present value is broadly proportionate to the length and type of relationship.

Teens might worry about impressing partners with expensive gifts, so in your discussions, emphasise thoughtfulness over price. A gift doesn’t have to be expensive to be meaningful. Something that shows that he’s put in effort, whether that's a homemade gift or something he’s handpicked because it reminds him of her, will likely mean more than something impersonal, bought just for the sake of it. Remind him that a sentimental or handmade gift can convey deep affection and thoughtfulness. Something handmade, as opposed to shop-bought is a tremendous idea and entirely science-backed! According to a 2017 report published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology, recipients actually prefer sentimental gifts that remind them of special events or relationships as opposed to something connected to hobbies or interests. Sentimental items indicate that there is depth of feeling there. (Hint: the 2025 version of the ‘mix tape’, a Spotify playlist, is a gorgeous gift!).

If this couple have already spent some time together, enjoying shared activities, he might want to consider creating something visual and simple. A photo in a frame or a calendar of shared experiences, perhaps? Again, this is cost-effective, meaningful, thoughtful and easily done via a variety of apps. Reassuring your son that it isn’t about the money as much as the meaning can inspire creative ideas that don’t cost the bank.

Perhaps more important than the gift is the card; who hasn’t rushed to see what is written in a birthday card from a new partner? Talk to your son about choosing his words carefully. Encourage authenticity and advise him never to say anything that he doesn’t really mean. A card doesn't need to be over the top or filled with fancy words. Nudge him to be kind, respectful and careful about the feelings that he wishes to express. He should expect others to read the card too! Would he be happy if her parents read it? That is often a good litmus test.

If he’s unsure about what to write, you might suggest that he take inspiration from personal anecdotes. Perhaps he could write about a fun moment they shared, something special she’s done for him, or how she makes him feel? It’s a nice way to show he’s paying attention to her and values their time together. If your son isn’t into card-writing, every teen on the planet knows how to create an e-card or send a meaningful or funny GIF on the big day. This is another option.

Encourage him to consider the timing of the gift. Ideally, it should be given on the day itself… anything else might be interpreted as a little bit thoughtless? Does he need to think about posting, packaging or ordering anything in advance? As you can see gift-buying can encourage both thoughtfulness and administrative or organisational skills, all at once.

Give him space to decide. Whilst it’s great to offer guidance, let your son make the final decision. If he’s struggling, give him a few options to choose from, but allow him to feel ownership of the process. This will help to develop his confidence and sense of responsibility.

Hopefully, the reaction of the recipient of his gift will validate the effort and thought he has put in and it will serve to enrich the relationship moving forward. Thoughtfulness never goes to waste! After his girlfriend's birthday, encourage him to reflect on the experience. Did she like the gift? How did he feel about giving it? What did he learn from the process? This reflection can help him refine his approach to gift-giving in future relationships, making it an enriching learning experience.