My daughter (aged 11) says she is constantly hungry. We eat well (home cooked food everyday) and she probably has three good meals a day plus snacks. She is of normal size and does a lot of sport, so is fit and not overweight, but is constantly asking for food. I would say she eats too much sugar (sweets/chocolate). How can we try to limit the bad foods, without making it an issue. She is a healthy child, but I am concerned at her obsession/constant asking for food.

This is a common concern for many parents. Engaged and attentive parents are generally mindful of their child’s relationship with food.   This is not surprising given the shameful narrative surrounding the idea of being overweight or obese, and the association that is often made that this is linked to neglectful parenting. Coupled with the fact we are constantly made aware of the longer term serious and irreversible health consequences of being overweight, it is no wonder that parents are highly aware of their children's nutrition and relationship with food. 

On the flip side of parents being told that as a population we are heading into an epidemic of obesity, they are also regularly tormented with headlines suggesting the number of restrictive eating disorders are on the increase. It is no wonder that trying to find a healthy balance on this difficult to navigate path leads to such anxiety in parents.

The facts of the matter are, where healthy eating is modelled well, healthy, happy children generally do a really good job at regulating their own appetite. The challenge for the current parenting generation is how to balance being overly protective in the real world with under protective in the virtual one. The child in the question above sounds happy and is reported at a healthy weight for her height. She is active and engaged in sport which is very emotionally protective and a good habit that can last a life time. The parent feels that the child eats enough, creating the question how do we really know how it feels for the young person. It may be that the young person is going through different growth spurts; this could be related to adolescent brain development, physical growth and also hormonal change, so their level of appetite will fluctuate on a daily basis regardless of what they eat.

In terms of constantly asking for food, it is important that this isn’t made into too much of an issue. Instead, it is important to try to validate the feeling of being hungry.  There is only one thing worse than being hungry and that is being told that, “You can’t be hungry”.   We can't know how a child is actually feeling, and as parents we should not assume that we do.

Validating their experience can be so powerful in this instance, by saying something along the lines of, “You seem hungry today”. Offer up an option, but suggest that they go and engage in some other activity first and if in half an hour they still feel hungry, return to the options offered positively.

Denying requests for food will only make children more preoccupied with food, which is what parents want to avoid if possible. Unhelpful labels such as “good foods” and “bad foods” can lead to a degree of shame developing relating to food choices. Ideally, a young person needs to understand that their appetite will not remain constant and will fluctuate depending on different variables, some known and some unknown. We really want to avoid any shame developing around the relationship with food as this can lead to a unhelpful dynamics and the potential for disordered eating. Behaviours such as secretive eating or hiding food can be very difficult to manage. We want to empower children and young people to positively self-govern their appetite in a sensible and constructive way.

Regarding sweet treats, this is another really common concern amongst parents. There are so many tempting sweet treats everywhere around us.  It is important to set healthy boundaries around these foods. However, again, the idea of restriction is not helpful as it creates a feeling of denial which can increase desire, again perpetuating the idea of secret eating or hiding what you are eating. We never want to create the idea that you need to hide food. Suggest that sweet treats can be accessed after meals, so focusing on the idea of filling up the young person with the healthy foods and then adding some sweet treats when they are full. They will then probably naturally eat less then. Also, make the sweet treats a social experience. As a family, share some nice foods and model how you regulate your own consumption of sweet treats. This will educate them as well.