Help, I don’t want my child attending sex education lessons in Year 5/6 but am really worried if I have made a good decision. Any advice?

For example, we might not want them to attend a school trip (for fear that they might get homesick), we might not want them to try a new sport, (in case they get injured) or we might ban access to any digital devices (in the hope that they don’t become addicted to tech). Within each of these examples, it is perfectly understandable that a parent might aim to protect their child but, in fact, our decisions might be lining them up for difficulties a little bit further down the line.

Part of the role of parents is to upskill children mentally and practically for what lies ahead. By banning or avoiding activities, we can end up inadvertently denying them a chance to build resilience, and potentially ignite, rather than dampen curiosity. We can end up in situations where they are afraid to tell us things, for fear of our reaction, which is never optimal for children.

In your email, you say you don’t want your child to be in lessons when the class is talking about puberty, sex and relationships. My first gentle challenge to that is: ‘What are you afraid of?’. Often parents can fear things like ‘learning too much too young’, but children need to know their body parts and be able to name them; this isn’t just to educate them, it is to protect them. Only within these conversations, carefully handled at school, can children learn about things like body boundaries or appropriate and inappropriate touch. School take education and safeguarding concerns very seriously, hence the emphasis in lessons on our bodies, how they work and how they change.

If you fear your chid learning about sex, try to trust the teachers to deliver material in age-appropriate ways (they have heard and seen it all before), and if you feel very worried, talk to the teacher about the tone and messaging within the delivery. They will likely be more than happy to reassure you! Imagine being the only child who has not been in the lesson that everyone else in the playground is talking about – there is a considerable risk that your child might hear a piece of information without the full context or facts and this could lead to some worry or anxiety on their part. They might not feel able to ask you about it as they know you don’t welcome conversations about these topics at home.

Believe it or not, the research in this area confirms that children who are brought up in cultures of transparency, openness and warmth at home (where no question is too silly) and where parents welcome their curiosity, are at much less risk later on of things like drug-taking, sexually risky behaviour or alcohol abuse. This is because they have no need for concealment, secrecy or hiding their worries about anything; the parent-child relationship is a warm, protective space.

Parent-child relationships are a mitigating, protective factor against any material that a child might see, read or be exposed to. Whatever they talk about in school, you are there to help puzzle it out, clarify information, talk things through and round it off with a nice chat about your own family values. Whatever is taught in school, we as families might have our own views, philosophies or religious beliefs, and that is absolutely fine! We can set wider understanding within our own family framework.

I think a great place to start, judging by how confused and worried you sound in your email is with some reflection:

What really worries me? What am I scared of? What is the worst that can happen in class and how would I mitigate that?

Have a peek at some of these home resources and consider dipping into some.

Once you work out what is at the heart of your own fears around the information being delivered in school, it can open up richer conversations both with yourself and the professionals that educate, support and help your children.